I Am Depressed, But I am Human Too: Friends, Foes, and Women

Friends, Foes, and Women

Having a fear of feeling secure within myself comes from the denial of my birth parents.My father used to lie to me about coming to see me. There were times I was left stranded on my front porch in hopes to see him. My father was the first flake of my life and the first person I stopped trusting.

 My mother left me at an early age and told me that she never wanted me as a child and that I was a mistake. She even went so far to lie to me and say that I was the product of a rape case and that she wished that I was aborted. I developed a complex that no one gave two shits about me, I was everyone’s second option, and never a priority.

I felt like a secondary option when people would not answer their phone calls, texts or even make excuses to not see me. I felt like I was never available in anyone’s outlook calendar and people never wanted to make time for me. I wanted to make every effort that I could to be wanted by someone or to be someone’s friend, but I ended up losing faith in people.

When I recognized I was not able to trust anyone, I did everything in my power to give people a second chance even though I had friends who treated me like shit. I had a fear of being alone and would tolerate bullying and thought it was okay even though it wasn’t. I was so desperate to fit in, I tolerated the bullshit that my so called friends put me through just because I thought I had no option to make other friends. I had friends who only used me for what I could do for them, the idea of having people who cared about my wellbeing was foreign to me.  

People used me for everything from money, to car rides, to my connections. I came to realize that the majority of my friendships in my life have been temporary. People use  friendships as a placeholders to get to the next place that they want to go in life, it appears that people don’t really value the importance of a friendship, but instead value the importance of what people can do for them. We do not care much for others, because we are only worried about ourselves and where we want to go and accomplish in our lives. Sadly recognizing this truth made me not want to have much faith in anyone.

I recognized the kids who bullied me where not too far off from my friends either. The only difference is the kids who bullied me didn’t want to bother to lie to me like my friends did. Recognizing that my friends were just as bad left me confused and feeling inferior. I ended up developing a paranoia that was self-fulfilling and harmful to being able to develop positive relationships with other people. I created enemies before I knew my own enemies, and I sacrificed my morals and values just to be accepted. I forgot how to be myself because I was desperate to receive approval from others.

Regardless of where I went in my life, I found people who disliked me. I let the negative vibes from other people affect me and started to believe what people thought of me. I used these criticisms as a as a weapon against myself. No matter what I did to change myself, I still felt empty and alone.  I didn’t know how to validate myself in a positive regard, but only negatively. My ability to cultivate healthy and positive relationships was near to impossible. I felt that my existence was meaningless.

When I could not find meaningful relationships through friends, I thought I could find validation with women. I believed I could find comfort by having a relationship with a girl given the fact that I did not have a healthy relationship with my mother. Unfortunately I did not find much luck with the ladies either and still experience failure.  I even wrote about my adolescent struggle with finding approval from women. This book was entitled The Hurt, The Horny, and The High School Nerd, you can feel free to purchase that if you want to hear about my youthful cynicism towards romance (shameless plug).

 I was never considered attractive to women, I felt that the same things bullies made fun of me for were the same reasons why women did not like me. Whether it was something about my physical appearance or personality, I was a failure to my romantic potential.

 My romantic inferiority complex started in middle school and carried out until present day. I was not able to express my feelings towards women, because when I did I would receive a guilt trip for being honest. I would be considered foolish for trying to start a relationship with girls. The only thing I could do is cultivate a friendship and nothing more. No matter how many times I could change my appearance or self, I was still just a friend.

Even worst about these sort of friendships is that I was treated like a surrogate boyfriend. Girls would talk to me when they were single, and disappear when they were in relationships. Just as my guy friends used me, so did girls. Once again, my own self-worth was questioned and my self-esteem weakened.

I lost confidence, money, pride and a lot of respect for myself over the past few years and did not know how to come to grips with myself. I never felt that I was entitled to being able to date women or entitled to being in a relationships with girls, but I felt like an outcast. At the age of 27, I still question how I lost my virginity and how I still have not been on a real date. Recognizing this sort of life long rejection was not only crippling, it’s disabling to my ability to recognize whether or not I will ever be loved or cared about for who you are. I started to believe that I was only good for being used.  

A few years after my high school years my lack of attention with women turned to sexual attention. I was just another black dick to fuck or a musician they wanted to add to their sexual resume. I began to hate myself for every sex partner I had, I didn’t feel love, I felt emptiness. I couldn’t land any dates with any women, because I was too awkward and nice, and I couldn’t develop a relationship with a woman because the women I met were emotionally unavailable. My heart grew to becoming a dark, cold and numb.  

Going through the pattern of temporary relationships, empty sex and inevitable rejections lead me to feeling very empty inside. I lost confidence in the idea that I could ever be any girl’s boyfriend or lover, instead I started to submit to the idea that I am only here for temporary enjoyment, friendship and a rebound to women. I believed the same rejection that my mother gave me, was verification for why I had such terrible luck with women. I didn’t have entitlement, I believed that I was the worst thing a woman could meet, I felt like a disease.

Nothing that I could do to myself could ever make a woman think I am attractive, not even the publication of this book or any album I write. I could find the cure to AIDS and the solution to global conflicts, and yet still no one would find me that attractive. This feeling is the level of helplessness I feel from the opposite sex, it’s the things I tell myself at night when I experience another night of loneliness and rejection.

This feeling of self-pity is not comfortable, especially with modern day typecasting of nice guys and fuckbois. People like me don’t feel entitled to women and sexual attention, we feel helpless and emotionally damaged.  In a society where chivalry is dead and the rules of attraction and human interaction have been rewritten I honestly don’t even know how to tell a girl that I like her or would want to take her on a date without feeling that I committed a crime. I live in a world where complimenting a girl can mean getting screenshot and put into shame for saying something nice. I live in a world where opening the door is not a sign of respect, it’s an action of distaste. I don’t understand the rules of love in a millennial society, and with the rate of rejection I experience, I don’t think I ever will.  

I am not a person who is longing for love, I am just longing for the acceptance of real connections and relationships. Clichéd statements like “she will come someday” or “things will get better” don’t apply to me.  I believed for a long time that I have the inability to develop solidified and consistent relationships. I’ve come to grips with learning that it’s not that I lack confidence, I lack success. I run into the same results no matter how much I try to make self better, there’s no chance to recover, I feel that I am not wanted by anyone.

Experiencing many years of rejection from these people allowed me to recognize that I could not receive validation from others to boost my self-esteem.  We all have a natural need to belong to something, somewhere or a circle of things. I have made some really amazing friends in my past, and I have made some very terrifying enemies, but the one thing I have not been able to create is stability. Could that have to do with my never ending self-hating ego? Could that have to do with my inability and history of bad luck with women? These are without a doubt contributing factors, but not the defining answer to my problems with self-worth and self-deprecating hatred. My self-hatred did not only come from my lack of ability to feel validated by other people, it started in the home. 

Brian Walker2 Comments