Past: The Bottom
Some people reach a pivotal point where they recognize that their life is not in order the way that they want to. Other’s consider this a time of awakening, other people call it a personal bottom. Some people recover from their bottom, and others don’t. What determines a person from wanting to change differs from person to person. For me, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I should die. I want to live my life finding the finer things for myself and appreciating the things I have been given. I wanted to change
I reached my bottom a little less than a year ago from the day that I am writing this. I became the one thing that I always hated, a corporate professional dressed in khakis who bases his value in others on what they can do for them, while ignoring every bit of passion or feeling he has inside. I swallowed my pain in 9 to 5 happy hours amongst corporate colleagues and temporary friendships. I spent nights alone with my guitar in my bed, I traveled cities alone sleeping in strangers bedrooms because I didn’t want to show my real friends how miserable I was. I wasn’t able to see my life getting any better. I lost faith in my ability to change my life, I felt trapped by my own mind.
I lost sight of the things I did believe in from religion to my passions. My restlessness reached new peaks. I spent more of my time and energy focusing on negative thoughts. I didn’t trust people and believed people only wanted me around to use me or be entertained by my drunken raucous behavior. Depression took the best of me and I kept my feelings inside, and refused to recognize that I was bleeding on the inside.
My generalized feelings of depression remained the same, however I grew tired and exhausted. I developed a level of burnout that I had not experienced before. It didn’t matter what happened to me anymore, my feelings of depression turned to hopelessness. I lost my faith in people, and only had faith in God. I didn’t think I had control of anything to change myself. I wanted to do my best to make things better for myself, but I couldn’t bear to feel good or confident in myself. My self-worth was beyond diminished, I was burnt out.
My bottom made me feel like I was pushed against a wall, and the only thing I could do was kill myself or fight to make a difference within myself. Until things changed for the better.
Debrief: On Depression
I have spent the past 12 chapters explaining to you how I have felt depressed, why my life has been chaotic, and my feelings about not feeling safe in my own skin. Most things in my life were not all terrible. I had a lot of things to be thankful for and too much to appreciate. It took a while to recognize that, and it took a while to learn how to manage my feelings of self-hatred. I learned to change.