I think one of the hardest things I ever allowed myself to do was believe that I can change. I used to let what other people thought of me effect what I believed about myself. I used my empty void lead to wasteful actions which did nothing but hurt my capacity for a better future. I want a lot for myself, but I never bothered to actually believe I could actually make those things happen. I have been able to accomplish some things in my life, however there are some things that I never believed I could do because of the mental blocks that told me that I was worthless.
For a very long time I let my self-hatred determine my future. I believed that I was destined for failure and that self-improvement was something that could not happen to me. I focused on what other people were doing instead of what I could do for myself. I ended up getting in fights with people because I believed on the inside they were better than me. I talked to people like they were lower than me, even though I felt the opposite. I didn’t think I could lose the weight that I could, because I was stuck in a negative mindset that I could not develop a routine to make myself better. I didn’t believe anyone would ever really love me for who I was because I hated everything about myself. I did my best to put on a front to show that I wasn’t this terrible person, but I failed with every friendship that I ended. I became an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.
A spark in my perspective did change, I reached a moment of clarity and that was at the 2016 SXSW music festival. I met many of my heroes (Henry Rollins, members of Title Fight, Waxahatchee to name a few) and got to speak to them about their stories of personal struggle and success. I met people who really cared about their passions. I even had the ability to play SXSW 2015 and I was featured in the Philadelphia Inquirer and considered a stand out act in XPN the Key. I started to believe.
The success of this festival is not what made me believe in myself, but it was the experience. Recognizing that I was able to appreciate the value in others and find out that the passion in my music does shine made me believe that I can do better. I wanted to create an album that would change my life and help inspire the change in others. I realized that I can be that person, as long as I motivate myself on a daily basis to see the change that I can see.
In order to guarantee that I stay motivated I write a task list on a monthly and daily basis. The monthly list is for my long term goals and the daily list is for my short term goals to make sure that I am reminded of what I am working towards on a daily basis. I believe that the only way that we can see change in ourselves, is if you remind yourself of the change that you are working for. I can stare in the mirror everyday hoping that something will change, but if I don’t work towards becoming better, then nothing will happen for myself. I recognize that my depression has been a setback for me and has kept me feeling doubtful about making things better, but this daily inventory has kept my head on the path towards making me feel more confident instead of doubtful. Patience is key to becoming better regardless of the magnitude of change you are looking for, because change is a marathon not a race.
I recognize that everyone’s journey is different and that doesn’t mean that I will experience the same things as my other peers. I cannot compare myself to others when I am striving for change. Otherwise, I will sink back into feeling helpless about being able to make myself better. I need to recognize the things that I am given and be thankful for that and believe on a day to day basis that I can make things happen for myself as long as I am able to work for it.