I Am Depressed, But I am Human Too: Loneliness
When I feel alone, I feel worthless when I am around people. I feel that people could care less if I existed and would probably feel better if I was not around them. It doesn’t matter whether I am around family, friends, or a girl that I am pursuing, I feel empty and there is no way that I could be satisfied. This is not to be confused with having an issue with not being at the center of attention. Even when I am at the center of attention at gigs, I still feel that there is not a single human who could relate to me, even when I am pouring my heart out on a stage of people who came to see me. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, but feeling alone is like going through a fight that no one really understands or could care less to try.
On the other hand, when I am alone, I am not around other people. I am void of human contact and interaction. Sometimes this is by my own doing because I am writing music or working on something creative (like this book). Other times it is because I do not fit in social circles (such as family, friends, colleagues, etc). The source of being isolated may vary, but is not long lasting. Much of the time, I can control and change this by reaching out to a friend.
I didn’t feel that I belonged in any social circle, within my family, or was wanted by anyone. I depended on what other people thought of me and used that as a crutch to fill the emptiness I felt inside of me. I thought that no one cared about my feelings because they were either emotionally unavailable or I was too ashamed to admit that I didn’t belong.
Sometimes, I tend to dwell on the fact that I am lonely and think that I am emotionally stuck and unable to change the way that I feel. Loneliness can sometimes lead to feeling emptiness and self-pity. I do my best to fill this void with self-improvement and discovery of myself. I believe that the time we are given to ourselves should not be used as a time to feel lonely, but to make the best of yourself to serve and connect with others.
I used to try to fill the void by overscheduling my day with busy work and getting involved in different projects to avoid thinking about myself. This did not do much help for me, because I still felt empty and even worst, I felt exhausted. I became emotionally drained and burnt out and I only felt more useless. Instead of drowning of myself in self-pity, I decided to take another approach and thought to schedule my day to be more effective in my endeavors to better myself. It is better to be effective about the time I have to myself instead of doing busy work to avoid feeling alone. When I do this then I become more self-reliant and effective in the things I strive for.
As a musician I have used my instrument to fill the void of feeling lonely. I wanted to find every possible way to connect with others because I knew my instrument kept me from feeling lonely. Music was a channel to get me to connect with people that I never had the ability to get to know and it helped fill my time to myself whenever I had room to feel bad about myself. I thought that this was a good way of making myself feel better, but I still felt unfulfilled. Instead of working on my music as a means for progress, I was concerned about connecting and meeting other people to feel validated. I cared so much about what other people thought, the loneliness never went away, so I took a different approach towards the thing I loved…strategy.
A disciplined approach towards self-improvement not only helps me feel accomplished but it has been a sustainable method to accommodate for my loneliness. When I am able to plan my day and set my own goals I feel that I am able to feel more progress within myself. I believe that l loneliness is still something that is hard to explain and is experienced differently for each person who feels this way (Some people may feel lonely because of boredom, absence of human interaction, lack of a support system, etc). My loneliness stems from not having a relationship with myself, the better I am able to develop a relationship with myself, the less reliant I become of others and the better I feel wholesome about the passions I strive for which is what keeps me balanced.