It's Okay To Be Depressed
I don’t believe I have reached my peak yet, because I am still reaching my potential. I will reach new bottoms and new highs, but how I cope with these experiences is what matters the most. I have braved a lot and somehow manage to keep my head up. There are times I want to give up and there are times where I question why I wish I was dead. What keeps me alive, is acceptance.
I must accept that I cannot be like everyone else and that it is totally fine. For a long time I used to depend on other people for happiness. Other times I have desired the same things that other people wanted because I thought happiness meant living like everyone else does. I have a problem with comparing myself with others and it has brought me down more times than motivated me to do better.
Expectations of myself have made the worst out of myself and have kept me away from recognizing what good I have left in my life. I know that I have not experienced things that other people have experienced ( love, consistent friend circles, traveling around the world, study abroad, sports games, beach trips, mountain trips, just to name a few) but I can’t let that pull me down. I have to let my life be determined by reachable goals, experiences, and my own personal growth in the things that make my life fulfilling.
When I am experiencing a depression episode I risk the possibility of feeling self-pity and hatred (Ironically enough as I am writing this chapter I am going through a depression episode).During these episodes I tend to think about killing myself. When I think about killing myself, I think about the fact that ending my life would be ending my chance at finding a life worth living. I believe that to live life that is satisfying, that I need to experience the road bumps that life gives us, even if those road bumps could mean thinking about ending my life. l need to give myself a chance at a life worth living instead of thinking about the life that I do not believe I can change.
The biggest lesson I have learned from being a clinically depressed person is that I have to live my life one day at a time. I must shoot for progress, because perfection is impossible. I dream of brighter days, and I hope that my life gets better, but it all starts with my own perspective. I have to take my feelings of helplessness and find it in myself to know that these feelings are perfectly fine to have, but I need to find productive ways to cope with these issues. Taking this approach helps me manage myself, avoid over thinking and avoid the overwhelming nature of being depressed. When I take things one step and one day at a time I am able to accomplish more things that I set forth for myself and I feel more satisfied about the life that I lead.
Depression doesn’t go away, and it is easy to forget what coping mechanism and skills I have developed for myself to become stronger. In some ways I can think of depression as a burden, or I can think of it as a blessing. At one end it is a burden because I am more sensitive than others about how I perceive everything. How I interact with my self-awareness to my sensitivity is how my depression becomes a blessing. Depression has forced me to listen to myself and develop a bond with myself that no one can take away from me.
There is a lot I want for myself, and to be completely honest I don’t know if I will get those things. I want to be successful so I can share this story to help others and empower people to change their lives. I want to sing and have people feel that my music can be used as a place to realize that they are not alone in their own battle with depression. I want to love, I want to feel love more than anything because love means that I can stop feeling like I am a terrible friend. Love is the only connection that humans have to share that things are okay no matter how good or bad things are.
I am not a depressed person who wants pity or attention, I want acceptance. I know that my honest feelings have probably pushed people away or caused therapists to thinking that I need to be drugged with anti-depressants. The way that I have been treated for being depressed has always been out of pity, I have had very few friends who have wanted to stop to understand that difference. I can’t blame them and to be honest its fine, I can only hope that this story can help reduce the stigma associated with my problem.
Despite all that I want for myself, it won’t be an easy road and I won’t be like anyone else and that’s just okay. I must never give up on myself because if I did, I would be cutting myself off from a potential life on the chance of feeling fulfilled. If I am honest with myself and take things one step at a time, just maybe I will find the love that I am searching for to live a happier and more complete life.
Recovery is not easy and the people who care about you, typically won’t understand what hell you have seen. I have learned to cope and I am learning to love myself, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I will get all the things I want, but it will mean that I will be able to appreciate the things I have and the things that I need. It may be possible that I live the rest of my life without a significant other and having to experience things on my own, and that’s okay. What I hope for my future, is what matters the most, because the things that I hope for are the very same things I can work towards achieving which gives meaning to my own life.