Inside of my depressed mind lies a subconscious that does not want me to feel good about myself. I can’t explain where this feeling of helplessness comes from, but it never leaves my head. No matter what I do, where I am at, I fear that I am not able to accomplish or achieve the things I want in my life. I feel that I am not able to get better, but instead I question my ability to advance myself to becoming a better person. This doubt has crippled me to having a generalized feeling of guilt and worthlessness. I never feel good about the day, I don’t feel good about myself, and I feel that I have always done something wrong, even when things are right.
I believe that I am the worst human being in this world and that no one should treat me with respect, because I feel overwhelmingly terrible about myself. I accept the negativity that surrounds me because I believe that somewhere on the inside of my brain that is what I deserve. I compare every person that I see regardless of whether I know them or not as better than me. I over rationalize and over analyze and come up with reasons why I believe others are better than me from every aspect of my life. I have a belief that God created me to be considered the worst person made in this world and there’s no hope for being seen as any better. My perceived sense of self -worth diminishes further with each social interaction, because I don’t feel safe in my skin.
I’ve done my best to try to cover this up with a smile and a charming attitude, in hopes that I could fake it until I make it. However this has been a failure. My smile is just a lie that I am telling to people to prevent people from knowing how vulnerable I really am on the inside. Most people don’t recognize this pain, but instead they only see my smile and believe that I am incapable of feeling bad.
When I try to fit in and find a place of comfort, I fail. I choose misery and manipulation in hopes that someone would feel sympathy for me to find a connection with others. These connections are only short term and usually resolves to more emotional pain and deeper levels of depression. My pity transitions to resentments and grudges which leads me to lose faith in people. My depression leaves me socially inadequate and incapable of finding connection within myself and others.
Regardless of the nature of my environment, I am unable to feel comfortable. I don’t feel comfortable during a state of loneliness, and I don’t feel comfortable when I am around those that I love. I tend to dwell on minor events and develop large problems about the simplest of things and tend to feel that this feeling will never end.
My hopelessness is not temporary, like normal people who recover from bad events, but it feels permanent. Negative thoughts of self-worth, and self-esteem grow on a day by day basis. No level of positive of reinforcement can change the way that I perceive myself. No matter what sport I play or what song I write, I still don’t feel like I will be able to accomplish what I hope to achieve. Even when I do prove myself wrong and I am able to accomplish my goals I am unable to give myself credit.
Depression doesn’t go away, it only lingers inside of my head during times of joy and pierces my heart during times of sadness. When I am alone I start to believe that I have no time or place to be granted love, happiness, or any of the positive joys of life. When I am with others, I still feel that I am not able to live my life the way other’s do and my individuality is not good enough for self or peer based approval. I have used my feelings of pity to manipulate others and have left myself feeling damaged. Depression is something that is hard to manage and never goes away. But it can get darker.