Past: The Manifestation of Self Loathing and Hatred
When I am consumed with feelings of self-hatred, doubt and uncertainty, I hate myself. I don’t have much hope for better days and I don’t really think anyone could care to make my life get better. I depend on clichéd statements such as “live for today” as a motivator for how I should live my life. I don’t see statements like this as a positive motivator, but instead as an inspiration to engage in destructive decision making.
I manifest these ideas of self-deprecation in overeating, addiction, imbalanced sleep patterns, and poor sexual behavior. I overeat because I don’t have the self-respect to care about my physical health or appearance. I believe if I keep myself out of shape it will keep me from getting close with other people. I am scared of connection, because I don’t believe I am worthy of intimacy with others.
I cling on to any substance or activity as a space to fill the void inside to prevent myself from feeling terrible. I consume until my body can’t take no more, but secretly I hope that I can’t live another day. My addictive behavior is a product of my self-hatred, which relates to my inability to love myself which is why I cling on to substances. The toxic relationship I develop with myself spreads to others.
I lack a conception of self-love or romance so I have sex with any woman that I possibly can. I have had sex with all forms of women, because I don’t know if I even deserve being cared about. I’ve been raped and have no connection to my offender because somewhere on the inside I don’t think anyone would care to respect me as a man who has been raped by a woman. I am incapable of letting go of rejection and denial and I use that very same rejection as a means to pity and hate myself. No one gives me closure and I am unable to move on. My body is not a temple, it’s just comprised of skin and bone to be used and abused just as I have let others do to me.
I can’t sleep because the actions I have taken upon myself for the past 27 years are not only destructive and painful, they don’t align with how I ought to feel. I am a confused soul who acts selfish and yells at the word because I don’t understand how it works. My sense of reality is altered regardless of what state of mind I am in, because I have no concept of faith and belief in a positive world.
I do my best to find purpose and meaning in every activity I make. I overanalyze and misinterpret every relationship and friendship that I have. I make every effort to assimilate into any social groups that I have no connection to for the sake of fitting in. I will do anything to compromise my own desires and interests in fears of feeling lonely. I accept the things that I do not deserve in to compensate for my lack of self-respect and need for verification. I am a self-seeking human being who has lead myself to countless bouts of emptiness and disappointment.
I believe that I have had the most difficult life and that everyone should pity me for it. I seek pity when I am experiencing tragedy such as lost of love ones, being homeless, and getting in fist fights. I have faced death in the face and welcomed it with hopes that I would die. People have tried to kill me with knives, guns, and fists and I have tried to kill myself with suicide attempt after suicide attempt. I lack accountability, and place the blame on others and attribute the bad things that occur in my life on others because I don’t believe that I am capable of being wrong.
My depression lead me to a place to low I grew to hate myself at every waking moment that I couldn’t even bear to get out of bed or look at myself in the mirror. I became a hopeless soul and for some reason God still kept me here, even though I wished that my heart would stop beating so that the pain would end.