I Am Depressed,But I am Human Too: Maybe It Should End

When I feel numb, I know my depression has reached its lowest point. I appear to have a lot of life in me, but the way that I feel does not feel filling. I question my purpose and have nothing to look forward to. Waking up out of the bed feels difficult and I am resentful of waking up in the morning.  My own value is meaningless and I don’t feel like I could it could be any worst. I don’t want this pain to continue, I don’t why it keeps happening, but I want it to end.

I don’t foresee any solution to letting the pain end, other than killing myself. I don’t want to do this for attention. I don’t want to kill myself over a specific person, I want my life to end because I don’t see any chance to make things better. I don’t think my problem is temporary, I believe that the only solution I have is to kill myself.

I feel helpless whenever I am not able to control any situations or problems that I am going through. I have lost any positive coping skills and believe the only solution is by killing myself. Whenever I don’t get the things I want I build resentment until I feel powerless. The more that I fail, the less that I believe that I can succeed. I am triggered not only by external factors, but by my own underlying self-hatred and misunderstanding of self-worth.

I don’t make it a big deal that I want to kill myself, because I don’t value my life. If I tell someone that I want to kill myself, I don’t expect them to react, because I believe that people don’t care about me to begin with. People don’t keep me alive, because I don’t believe in them and I know they don’t believe in me, so what’s the point in living anyways?

I am not successful at trying to kill myself. I actually am very bad at it. Sometimes people would catch me right before I tried. Other times I would go on alcoholic binges hoping that I could drink myself to death, but my body won’t let me. If my body won’t let me I would be stopped by friends during a drunk night.

There have been times I came closing to meeting the end of my life. But each time I got close, I was found by a friend. There are some occaisions I ended up in the hospital and other times I ended up finding myself in social interventions with friends about the seriousness of what I was trying to do with myself. These interventions did not have an impact on whether or not I still thought about killing myself. Finding a solution was not a simple process.  

The only thing keeping me from staying alive is my faith in God, my grandparents, and the few friendships that I have. Even inside of the intense hopelessness I experience in my heart, I still believe there is a chance that something can change. I don’t want to make the people I love upset that I gave up on a chance at living my life. I want to change, but I just don’t know how to. I need help.

Brian WalkerComment