Yesterday I was in Rittenhouse Square in Philadelphia doing a side job and I noticed everyone seemed so happy. Not because of the weather, but because they all belonged and were a part of something. Some people were with their families, friends, significant others, even the people were by themselves were still part of something ( street entertainment, selling merchandise, etc). I could not help but feel that in someways as a solo traveling musician. I don't feel like I am part of anything.
Later that same day my friend noticed that I knew a lot of people, and do I find it hard to discern whether or not I have true friends or are all these people just surfaced based friendships. I said that in all the people I know, about 12 percent of the people know the real me. In some ways that was even difficult to share because it's somewhat emotionally draining meeting people who really don't know you, but only have an idea of you whether that idea be positive or negative. It's almost like I am constantly having to put on a mask and in this brief lul of taking a break from playing shows, I am realizing that maybe even some people I have as friends are not real friends.
Like it should not be so hard to reach out to people or connect with people that consider themselves close to you. I also feel that in someways of my music life, I am just a stepping stone to get to the next town. It's hard to be thankful when a lot of times you are constantly questioning your self worth and are somewhat unsure of where you fall in your ability to being successful or let alone have the ability to resonate with people.
Today I have been feeling really insecure about my future from personal perspectives and my ability to just function as a human and all I can say is I am thankful for the few friends I do have that remind me that things are going to be okay. Granted this entry had very little to do with music, I wanted to share.
Be good to yourself and be good to your friends because you never know when someone will just turn your back on you.